Seeing Red - Choosing Love

In a little town called Napanee,
Somewhere on the road
Beyond the Giant Tiger and the A&P,
Is a safe place to unload
The burden I'd made of me

So I ran away from my problems for a bit;
Ran to the safe councils of a dear friend;
Ran strait into a bottle of hair dye and multiple glasses of wine;
I ran so far away, but I couldn't get away
(Forgive me, A Flock of Seagulls was playing on the radio as I wrote that part)

I sat in the driver's seat of Tiana's car as she taught me the finer points of driving a standard vehicle (clutch good, brakes alone bad, but do stall the vehicle if you think you might hit a pedestrian from a mile away... I'm still working on it)

It was in that car that we talked, once I had handed her back the keys. I enjoyed my time in the car. The scenery was gorgeous in the countryside with leaves coloured gold, orange and red:

Red, always red.

The scenery on the train was different: fast, blurry, dizzy, like splotches of paint being dropped onto a canvas, mixing and mingling without restraint.

I thought of Eugenia (that's why you got that txt msg, my dear). She'd have such poetic words to say about this journey.

The journey! I'm enjoying the journey. I became so focused on goals that I forgot to love the journey. Why would I want to get to the end of the road when there is so much to see along the way?

Facing your demons is never easy.

Funny how I have trouble taking my own advice. I used to keep saying, if something wasn't hard, than it wouldn't be worth doing. This business, this art, with all its intricacies and its ups and downs is very hard for me. That means it is very much worth doing.

The bottle of hair dye, the wine, the leaves,

Red, always red.

There is joy and accomplishment all around me. I want to be a part of it, roll around in it, feel it in every part of my body. But you can't make yourself feel anything. You can only sit in what you have and let the rest be. I feel my blood begin to boil.

Red, always red.

Let it boil. Let it burn. Let it ignite the lion that remains dormant inside. I am jealous... no envious... jealousy has such a negative connotation. My blood is boiling, there is anger and I see red, always red. But it energizes me. It makes me move. It makes me run. It makes me fight!

The pent-up energy is well-spent. I'm getting abs that would make Fergie proud were she not too busy on her London Bridge (Gawd awful song, btw)

And I will keep fighting for what I love.

Love is red. Love is the fire in my veins. Love is my passion. Love is my freedom. Love is my salvation. I am worthy! I love myself!

I choose love.



I'm back



(And feel free to give me a sharp slap to the face if I ever fall into another disgusting abyss like that last one... either that or three and a half bottles of wine, two bottles of hair dye, a tub of Ben and Jerry's and cheesy girly movies with lines like "Too much rock for one hand!", if you have the time to waste, might also do the trick.)