Sweet Surrender

You can call it giving up. You can call it losing faith. You can call it whatever you like, but I quit. At least for a little while.

I'm tired of fighting against myself. This War of Art has left me one too many times wounded on the battlefield and right now I just can't take it anymore.

It's sick. The more positive stuff I see happening to people around me, the deeper the hole I'm in seems to get. And the more I feel that way, the more I berate myself for how horrible a person I can be. I mean, if these people are my friends, why can't I just be happy for them. But the more people I see doing things and making stuff happen for themselves, the more inadequate I feel.

So I've decided to quit.

No more writing (no blogs, no scenes, no poems). It doesn't make me feel better anyway.

And once I finish up this short film I had already agreed to do (that is if this whole "You're hired, you're not hired" fiasco hasn't completely ruined that opportunity), I won't be acting for a while either.

So tomorrow, I will spend most of my day either in bed or watching television on the couch. I will clean the bathroom and finish up the laundry. And then, if I'm to it, I will look for a job. A real one.

Is this a permanent scenario? I don't know... All I do know is that I'm not happy in my current situation and I need time to try and fix it.

If I feel like it, I might let you in on how it goes. Then again, I've been notified that there are some things that I probably shouldn't talk about here in this public forum. So maybe not. Anyway, for the moment (and who knows how long that will last), I am shutting down and closing up shop.