Nancy's Guide to Skiing
I like how the word skiing takes two i's in a row.
Anyway, this past Sunday, I went skiing with some friends in Wakefield. Now, I've only been skiing twice in my life and the last time I went was over 10 years ago. Couple that with a fear of heights and the results were quite a few hilarious (for all those watching anyway :/) "Oh shit!" moments. Having learned from all those moments, I therefore give you, in no particular order, Nancy's Guide to Skiing:
Snow bunny? More like Snow Hippopotamus
Equipment
1 - When you realize that everyon else is wearing thick gloves and you've got fuzzy mittens, you might have a problem.
2 - Check and see if your coat is waterproof BEFORE you go out skiing.
3 - Bring a change of dry clothes. You're going to need it.
Chair Lifts
1 - Don't forget to get off the chair lift when you reach the top of the hill. Not before, not after. The nice lady in the hut next to the chair lift was just getting warm and she really doesn't feel like stepping outside to come and save your noobish ass.
2 - While on the lift, please refrain from spearing the skiers below with your ski poles, no matter how "fun" it could be.
3 - Don't try and yell at the guy sitting three chairs in front of you because he's decided to be a jackass and make the seats bob while you are stuck in midair with nothing but a metal bar to protect you from the hard snow and pointy trees below, no matter how freaked out you are. He either can't hear you or doesn't care.
Skiing
1 - You don't need skis to get down a hill, your butt combined with gravity will do just fine.
1.1 - Gravity is not your friend.
2 - When in doubt, remember "Pizza" and "French Fry". Now, if you happen to French Fry when you were suppose to Pizza, you're gonna have a bad time.
2.1 - If still in doubt, follow the ski school filled with 8 year olds. You will blend right in.
2.1.2 - When struggling to keep up with the ski school, remember, the 8 year olds are not in an advanced class, you just suck that much.
3 - When you're scared to go down a hill and a friend tells you he will stop you if you have any trouble, don't believe him! At best, you will get a ski pole to the head.
4 - Instead of calling the slope you are on "Easy Street", a more appropriate title would have been "Busy, Crowded Street of Speeding Maniacs".
5 - When you happen to be on the same slope as I am, it is safer to keep out of my way. Unfortunately, whether I want to or not, I will take you down.
Anyway, this past Sunday, I went skiing with some friends in Wakefield. Now, I've only been skiing twice in my life and the last time I went was over 10 years ago. Couple that with a fear of heights and the results were quite a few hilarious (for all those watching anyway :/) "Oh shit!" moments. Having learned from all those moments, I therefore give you, in no particular order, Nancy's Guide to Skiing:
Snow bunny? More like Snow Hippopotamus
Equipment
1 - When you realize that everyon else is wearing thick gloves and you've got fuzzy mittens, you might have a problem.
2 - Check and see if your coat is waterproof BEFORE you go out skiing.
3 - Bring a change of dry clothes. You're going to need it.
Chair Lifts
1 - Don't forget to get off the chair lift when you reach the top of the hill. Not before, not after. The nice lady in the hut next to the chair lift was just getting warm and she really doesn't feel like stepping outside to come and save your noobish ass.
2 - While on the lift, please refrain from spearing the skiers below with your ski poles, no matter how "fun" it could be.
3 - Don't try and yell at the guy sitting three chairs in front of you because he's decided to be a jackass and make the seats bob while you are stuck in midair with nothing but a metal bar to protect you from the hard snow and pointy trees below, no matter how freaked out you are. He either can't hear you or doesn't care.
Skiing
1 - You don't need skis to get down a hill, your butt combined with gravity will do just fine.
1.1 - Gravity is not your friend.
2 - When in doubt, remember "Pizza" and "French Fry". Now, if you happen to French Fry when you were suppose to Pizza, you're gonna have a bad time.
2.1 - If still in doubt, follow the ski school filled with 8 year olds. You will blend right in.
2.1.2 - When struggling to keep up with the ski school, remember, the 8 year olds are not in an advanced class, you just suck that much.
3 - When you're scared to go down a hill and a friend tells you he will stop you if you have any trouble, don't believe him! At best, you will get a ski pole to the head.
4 - Instead of calling the slope you are on "Easy Street", a more appropriate title would have been "Busy, Crowded Street of Speeding Maniacs".
5 - When you happen to be on the same slope as I am, it is safer to keep out of my way. Unfortunately, whether I want to or not, I will take you down.
3 Comments:
LOL
Man, that was funny...watching you as you helplessly stay on the lift as it starts turning to go back down the hill was by far the funniest experience I've ever had on a ski trip. I know it was mortifying though...and not the best start to the day.
You did well though considering the start you had. And you didn't give up! I am very proud of you! =)
Next time will be better. I promise.
By Mme H, at 6:32 PM
I want to see pictures :)
I can only imagine Nancy going down the chairlift while everyone else is going up :)
Dan
By Anonymous, at 10:03 AM
Here I thought I needed ski pants to have fun. I could have just stood at the bottom of the hill with binoculars.
By Anonymous, at 11:52 AM
Post a Comment
<< Home