Fear

Fear - it's been on my mind for a while now. I've been avoiding posting about it or even talking about it out loud because to talk about it would be to confront it and, well, that's just plain scary.

Many people have a fear of failure. I am not one of those people. I can deal with criticism and rejection - just look at the field I've chosen to undertake as a career - in fact, I almost anticipate it.

No, I've discovered that what I have is a fear of success.

It almost sounds silly, right? I mean, who doesn't want to be successful?

I've realized something that my subconscious has known for a long time: If I fail at something, nothing in my life will change. I can just go back to my regular routine and everything will continue humming along like normal. But if I actually succeed at something, things begin to change.

For instance, human beings (myself included) are jealous people who all seem to be following this mantra of mediocrity. We have all silently agreed to be miserable together and it bothers us if someone else is experiencing any level of success and happiness (the "why you and not me" syndrome).

Reason one behind my fear of success: If I succeed, people won't like me anymore. What's that saying? It's lonely at the top.

How does this fear manifest itself? For one thing, I can't take compliments, especially if I feel like it's at the expense of other people. Throughout rehearsals, I've been getting some really great feedback, but others in the cast have not as much. This makes me feel singled out and wonder if people hate me for doing so well. This then can lead to self-sabotage were you try to do worse so you still feel included and part of the group. By Jove, I think I just discovered the reason I've been having so much trouble sitting down to go over my lines.

Wow, just writing that I see how silly it seems and yet, there it is.

To succeed at something, you have to work hard. This means you can't be complacent and you have to take yourself out of your comfort zone. However, basic physics reminds me that although a body in motion will stay in motion, a body at rest wants to keep her ass parked in front of the TV (I may be paraphrasing Newton a bit).

Unfortunately, if I want to succeed, I have to do it myself (check mark number two for the being lonely). I can't be lazy anymore waiting for something to happen to me to get me moving.

How does this manifest itself? I avoid creating my own work because I want someone to do it for me, put me in their show, to make me feel special.

Also slightly contrary to what I first mentioned, human beings look up to successful people. That said, the more people look up to you, the higher you are, the harder the fall is on your way down to disappointing them.

How does this manifest itself? I know I have a lot of knowledge about this business that I could share with other people. I've been avoiding contacting acting schools to teach because a voice in my head keeps telling me "who are you to think you can do that? what the hell do you know? you're just a fraud and anyone you teach will be disappointed"

Stupid voice.

Finally, success can also bring, sometimes radical, changes. I know that if I continue auditioning for stuff, I will eventually have to leave my job, but I am addicted to the safety and security a steady pay check affords. This means that I don't push as hard or I don't risk as much as I could because I don't want to lose my job paycheck/health benefits even though I realize the possibility that I could be making a lot more money if I were successful.

So, yes, I have a fear of success. The first step is always admitting it. Now could anyone please tell me what the second step is?