Random Ramblings and Internal Debates

Sometimes I think I may be a robot.

First of all, I like schedules and knowing exactly what I will be doing, when and where for almost every minute of every day. I like predictability and have trouble adjusting to change. I get annoyed if someone happens to be using my "usual" stall in the bathroom at work...

When learning a new song, I usually do so by ear. Every note, every rythm, every twang in the voice, I faithfully copy and repeat without any modifications or adjustments to make it my own. I'm an excellent mimic. The end result is then flat, colourless... robotic.

I realized last night that I also do this when I'm acting. It's as if I don't want to consider it an art form, but a science with formulas and absolutes.
Something like: Acting = Lines + Blocking + Emotional Motivation

This is serious stuff. It is work and I want to be taken seriously. Tell me how you want it to be done and I will do it exactly that way without originality or fun or deviation from the chosen path... And the end result was flat, lifeless, robotic.

I know better. My head knows better. But somehow my wires seem to be crossed and I can't connect what's in my head to the rest of my body. Instead of true human behavior, I end up with an imitation of human behaviour.

Or maybe I'm just a human who wants to be a robot. A human who shuts herself down so she doesn't have to be brave and really feel something human because humans are imperfect and insecure and easily get hurt.

Nah, that sounds too deep. I probably shouldn't be watching so much Battlestar Galactica before I go to bed...