I Don't Get It

Over the past two months, I had been spending a lot of time and money on acting workshops. In fact, I had one just this past weekend.

These workshops have been great since most of them focused on the almighty audition. You see, it's a well known fact that you can be one of the greatest actors in the world, but just completely suck at auditions.

There's a story in one of my books that talks about this casting director who was out seeing A Streetcar Named Desire on stage with Marlon Brando. Brando had completely mesmerized him and he called his assistant to ask why he had never seen this wonderful actor before. His assistant checked in their files. Marlon Brando had already auditioned for this casting director eight times.

I believe I am a good actor. It's more than that actually. I know I am a good actor. This past weekend, I felt comfortable in my skin during my mock auditions with a prominent casting director from Toronto. I actually liked the way I looked on camera and truly felt that I had done some of my best work. Best of all, I had fun. I was ready for my next big audition!

Which happened to be today...

It was for a corporate video, in English and in French. No problem, I thought. I know that I have a natural ability to host things. I learned my lines and I dressed the part.

But something happened today...

I started getting scared. I started thinking about how much I really wanted to nail this gig because I hadn't done any professional work in a while now. I started thinking about my credit card and how much I could really really really use the money. I started worrying about my braces and the fact that most people believe me if I tell them I'm twenty... the breakdown said they wanted someone 30 to 40...

I panicked.

All the way down on the bus, I went over my lines in my head. Ok, good, I know them. I put on some lipstick and powdered my nose. Great, I look stylishly business but still friendly and cute. Then the receptioninst told me they had a telepromter in the room. Even better!

I sat down and tried to calm the pounding in my heart, tried to breathe and ground myself, tried to just relax and have fun, tried to get rid of the pasty, chalky taste in my mouth. This is just another silly audition after all.

I walked down a hall and around cubicles to the room. Somehow it felt like "dead-man walking". I walked into the room. The faces were friendly, familiar and smiling. Nothing to worry about.

There is NO teleprompter.

SHIT!

I placed myself on the mark. I'm asked to do the English sides first. No problem, no problem. "Welcome to the..." OH fuck! Welcome to what? WELCOME TO WHAT?!? I feel the papers shake in my hand as I look down the barrel. The director tells me I can read from the page if I want to.

But I don't need to read, I KNOW MY LINES! I KNEW THEM ON THE BUS! ASK THE LADY WHO THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY FOR WHISPERING THEM NEXT TO HER!!! I want to scream that out, but I don't.

I try again. I stumble and bumble and fumble again and again. I don't want to read directly from the sheet because my hands are trembling so much that the sheet shakes and makes a terrible noise. I'm sure it sounds louder in my head.

It seems to take forever. Start-Stop-Go Again. Stumble some more...

The French is just like the English.

By the time we go in for a closer shot, I'm so pissed at myself, I'm sure I don't sound too friendly. At least, I don't seem to need the sheet anymore.

SEE! I did know my lines.

Too late though.

The director shakes my hand on the way out and tells me she hopes it's not too cold out. I stutter (when did I pick up a stutter?) that it's actually quite beautiful out... quite quite quite beautiful.

Besides, I'm so hot under the collar right now, I don't think I can ever again feel cold.

I leave, holding my head up, trying not to cry.

Man that sucked!

I make it all the way downstairs before I realize I forgot my coat.

Shit, fuck, shit, fuck, fuck, fuck SHIIIIIIIITTTT!!!!

Great, now my eyes are leaking.


Sigh... now I have to just put it all behind me until the next audition.


So you sure you want to be an actor?