Think you know me?
You know, you'd think a gal with a blog like mine wouldn't have very much to hide.
Well, if you thought that, you're very wrong.
Tonight, after listening to people wax poetic on a variety of topics from babies to butterflies, I realized how much I hold back. True, I did speak up as well. I even went so far as to make some honest to goodness remarks, void of any sarcasm or smart-alecness (if that's even a word).
However, the more I listened, the more I held back on some very dark and private thoughts. There is so much that I keep to myself.
And I want to be open!
I want to scream to the world what is on the tip of my tongue.
But I am afraid.
I am afraid that what I have to say is not important, that it's worthless.
I am afraid to have my little heart trampled on and so I build a big wall around it to protect it. Very few people have made it through that wall... and even then, I'm not sure they got very far.
I am afraid to trust, because I have been burnt before.
I get quiet.. quieter. I avoid the situation. I distract you with a turn of phrase or a comment so I don't have to fess up.
I don't want to talk too much.
What I say here on this blog barely scratches the surface.
I am a blog-tease (thanks Emily for the term!). I keep things either vague or superficial. I talk too much to say nothing at all.
At least you can't say I don't know how to keep a secret.
Well, if you thought that, you're very wrong.
Tonight, after listening to people wax poetic on a variety of topics from babies to butterflies, I realized how much I hold back. True, I did speak up as well. I even went so far as to make some honest to goodness remarks, void of any sarcasm or smart-alecness (if that's even a word).
However, the more I listened, the more I held back on some very dark and private thoughts. There is so much that I keep to myself.
And I want to be open!
I want to scream to the world what is on the tip of my tongue.
But I am afraid.
I am afraid that what I have to say is not important, that it's worthless.
I am afraid to have my little heart trampled on and so I build a big wall around it to protect it. Very few people have made it through that wall... and even then, I'm not sure they got very far.
I am afraid to trust, because I have been burnt before.
I get quiet.. quieter. I avoid the situation. I distract you with a turn of phrase or a comment so I don't have to fess up.
I don't want to talk too much.
What I say here on this blog barely scratches the surface.
I am a blog-tease (thanks Emily for the term!). I keep things either vague or superficial. I talk too much to say nothing at all.
At least you can't say I don't know how to keep a secret.
Labels: Making It Work, Random
posted by Nancy Kenny at
2:11 AM
3 Comments:
The important question, from my perspective, is whether or not this fear you feel is present on stage (or, koff, on camera). Fear is a defence mechanism, and the truth is that we need it to help us cope with life: without it we'd add soulful confessions to every drink order at the coffee shop. There's nothing wrong with not sharing deep personal stories in group contexts. Being an open wound 24/7 does not make you a better person. But because I'm interested in Nancy the actress, I AM wondering if that fear affects you as you work. In THAT context, it can (should?) be banished... but not elsewhere.
By
Anonymous, at 11:46 PM
To be completely honest, I think it has seeped into my work.
I'm hoping my two week acting intensive that starts tomorrow will help me address some of that.
By
Nancy Kenny, at 11:17 PM
I can't write everything I feel on my blog because my mom reads it.
By
dw, at 6:54 AM
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